Back in the saddle?

I can't tell you how much I don't feel like blogging. Yet, I'm also troubled by how long it's been since I last posted. I'm not even going to look at the date of my last post, as it would only depress me. I have plenty of good excuses- Jonah, illness, Allie, Gabe, Eva, moving, unpacking, and Jonah. Yes, he's supposed to be on there twice- poor kid is sick, so he's been on me (nursing or sleeping) literally 21 out of 24 hours each of the last three days, and on top of it, I've been feverish and miserable. Thanks, kids, for bringing home this latest little bacteriological pet.

Speaking of pets, we're about to get more, temporarily. Maddy got herself knocked up about a week before Jonah arrived (we think)...I was certain I had kept her out of trouble when she was in heat, but apparently, I was mistaken. Three of the kittens (available sometime in August) are spoken for, but if you're interested, let us know...we're pretty happy with just one cat. If we get a hankering for more animals here, I've already declared that we'll be getting a pair of rats. But that's a long way in the future- we had a pair when I was pregnant with Gabe and Eva (females, I'm guessing I don't have to spell out the reason a same-sex pair is desirable), but found ourselves completely unable to give them the attention they needed once Gabe and Eva were out of the hospital, and long story short, they were kindly adopted by another couple at the Porch. I think they've both since died- one advantage to rats is that they're a fairly short-term commitment as far as pets go- 2 or 3 years, usually. And unlike most other rodents, well-bred rats (from a breeder, not Petco) don't bite.

I'm still in vocational limbo...I just can't seem to decide what I want to do with myself. Do I go back to school? Find a midwife to apprentice to? Become certified as a doula and pursue that as my calling? I love birth and babies, but more and more of the birth stories that are shared with me are painful to hear- not that the outcome was awful, but the experience itself women too often falls criminally short of what it could and should be. The cesearean rate in this country is approaching one in three- that in itself is criminal. Vaginal birth after cesearean rates (VBAC) - have been dropping for about a decade, and aren't likely to rise anytime soon, since most women choose an OB/GYN as their provider for pregnancy and birth, and their (OB/GYN's) professional organization's requirements for allowing VBAC are such that most women won't meet them (this wasn't a reason that I chose homebirth, but it is a reason I was glad I wasn't dealing with an obstetrician). So I hear these stories, and I grieve for these women who are being subjected to care that is not evidence-based, who agree to procedures that put them at risk when the risks, or even the fact that there are risks, have not been explained to them, when they come out of childbirth feeling that it was traumatic or excruciating or not how they imagined it. There are a few people I can talk to about it, but most of this stuff is so taken for granted that people look at me funny, like, "what's the big deal?"

Suddenly the light bulb is going on...I guess that this is a clue for me that I will be working with women and birth in some form for the rest of my life- I can't think of anything else that upsets me as much, that makes me cry or smile or bitch as often, as this. I guess that means my vocational dilemma is, to a large extent, solved. Now I just have to figure out how I'm going to deal with having my heart broken on a daily basis for the rest of my life.

I've been thinking for a long time that I should do a class at church on childbirth options and sharing stories- most of what American women know about birth is learned from their doctor (who has a vested interest in things being done a certain way) or books- usually the wrong book (yeah, I read it when I was pregnant with Allie, but there are at least a dozen I would recommend over that one for various reasons). So I'm going to do it, sometime. I don't think I want a class so much as a discussion group, though (I think...maybe have a couple sessions of "educational" content followed by an equal number of discussion/debate). My opinions on this are (obviously) very strong, and it's an emotionally charged topic, so I'm going to have to think long and hard about how I can make it happen without driving myself or anyone else crazy.

Enough for tonight. Someday when I feel like it, I'll put up Jonah's birth story. Until then, a big shoutout to the many lovely women who played a part- Rachel L, Colleen W, Brynn, Sarah, and of course, Rolla. I could not have done it without all of you. And anyway, it wouldn't have been as much fun!

Not much to report

I had a great time with Mel shopping yarn and gasping in shock at some of the kit prices (really, $166 for an afghan kit?). Bought some yarn to make Gabe and Eva winter hats, and now I'm too bored with the idea of making more hats to start them. I really want to try out that crop top pattern!

Sunday through Wednesday I had non-progressing (but nonetheless "real") contractions in the evening. I got in the bad habit of timing them, and thinking, oh gosh! It's going to be today! Then I'd get depressed when it was time for bed and nothing was speeding up. My midwife told me to forget them and go to bed, so I did, and good thing, too...the mild heat wave we've had this week has completely drained me! I did get to see my midwife Monday night for a quick visit, since I missed having her over at 38 weeks. Everything still looks good, and baby is on the big side. How big, we'll know soon enough, I guess. Allie and Jeff and I were all right around 7-8 pounds, but Jeff's sister and my dad were both close to 10, so there is precedent for truly large babies on both sides of the family. I'll see the midwife again Saturday, provided she and her children are all healthy tomorrow (there's been a stomach bug at their house).

Jeff's pick for "labor day" is Sunday...day after my EDD. I'm willing to go along with it- all along I've sort of thought I might start labor at church...as long as we get enough time to make it home (30+ min), I'd be fine with that! Having a baby in the car I'm not so hot on. Sounds fairly uncomfortable.

I'm still feeling inexplicably, inconcievably great...if I knew what was causing it, I'd bottle it and sell it (but first I'd give a big batch to Jenell, Heidi, and Melody- three friends who are pregnant with twins- for free). Unfortunately, feeling so good leaves me with very little to say. I read two books this week, Henci Goer's Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth and another one that I can't remember the authors of...A Good Birth, A Safe Birth. I'd recommend both, although Goer's book I'd recommend with more confidence, as the copy of the other one that I have is 20 years old, and while its research was cutting-edge at the time, I haven't seen the changes I'm sure they've made in later editions. But how could I not love a book with a chapter title like "If You Don't Know Your Options, You Don't Have Any" (my second fave was from Goer's book, the chapter about electronic fetal monitoring is subtitled "The Machine that Goes Ping!"- gotta love a Monty Python reference).

Have a great weekend!

No news is no news

I'm feeling better. My left hip socket still feels like someone is twisting a knife blade in it when I put my weight on it, but I'm able to avoid putting weight on it enough that most of the time I'm ok. Hopefully my chiropractor will be able to do something about it at my appointment tomorrow (today, I guess...it's after midnight).

I still am having trouble believing I'm a week from my due date. Where did the time go? I won't rant about what a crock due dates are (in my opinion), but since only about 5% of babies actually arrive on the date that they are "due", I'm trying to take the long view and think of this baby as arriving "sometime this month". About 90% of babies arrive within two weeks of their due date (plus or minus- although I only have a week of minus left!), so I figure that's a pretty safe bet. The practical part of my brain (it's underdeveloped, but there) reminds me that babies are much easier to take care of while they remain in utero, and that I should be grateful for every day I don't go into labor.

I missed having a prenatal visit last Saturday for a number of reasons, so I'm looking forward to seeing my midwife again this weekend. And I'm going to the Yarn Cafe with Mel again this Sunday, so I actually have a positive reason not to be impatient for labor! Seeing as the "Cafe" aspect of the YC is a little weak, to say the least (although my mocha was good), we'll be hitting a "real" coffee shop for refreshment first. I'm planning on looking for some yarn to knit a tank top for Allie. The pattern uses intarsia technique, which I have never attempted. It may be a disaster, but in that case, I'll just make the top in a single solid color rather than mess with yarn bobbins and all that. Anyone who's done intarsia is welcome to comment/email tips- I would be grateful.

After the new book I got the other day, I think I'm ready to try double-pointed needles. Although if you saw the stuffed rabbit I knitted for Allie this week, you'd probably wonder if there's something wrong with my eyesight. It's homely. But she loves it, and I love her for that.

Have a great weekend, all.

Errata, random bits and pieces

OK because I'm A-R and can't let a mistake sit without saying anything:

Gabe and Eva were not in the most uncommon position pairing for twins. That would be transverse/transverse. Transverse/breech is found slightly more often. Knowing what I know, it seems like common sense. But somehow I mixed them up when I was posting.

I wish I could post more often, and read everyone's blogs more often...I think I'm down to checking two on a regular basis (Jenell's because I sympathize- G&E's pregnancy was nightmarishly painful and difficult, and Jimmy's because, well, I was checking it to see if BSU had arrived. I haven't seen much of anyone's blog in the past two weeks.) And then we missed church this week. Maybe that's why I've been so depressed today.

However, we have a new (to us) stove and fridge, and both are hooked up and working. And tomorrow we should find out if we'll be getting a new house. Cross your fingers for us- there's already been an offer made by someone else (and accepted), so the only way we have a shot is if that deal falls through. And somehow I'm just not comfortable asking people to pray that that happens. Que sera, sera, I guess. If we don't get it, at least I don't have to worry about moving this month!

Allie: mommy, it was a little bit Neptune out today...
me : what does that mean?
Allie: well, it was windy. Neptune is a windy planet.

Thank you, Blue's Clues. I should also mention that Allie is teaching herself to read alarmingly quickly. Today she picked up Hop on Pop and read, "Pop no Stop"...meaning she read "on" back to front, but also that she's connected the letter combo "op" to the sound it makes. At least, that's how it seems to me. Honestly, I find it a little frightening. I'm not ready for her to read.

Justice, finally

The blissful period of this pregnancy is officially over. I'm not quite miserable, but I am getting up at least twice a night, have a backache pretty much constantly, heartburn no matter what I eat, exhaustion, etc. etc. So I have taken the giant leap from feeling guilty for having a painless pregnancy to feeling pretty justified in doing some whining.

I had some prelabor/early labor a week and a half ago, and I'd feel pretty sad that nothing more has happened, except I know that baby turned out of OP position that night (finally! yay!). No more backwards baby. No more worrying about back labor. So I'm left with two worries:

1. that I will start labor with "active", hard labor and find it difficult to deal with, rather than building slowly from "latent" labor
2. that I will not be able to control myself in second stage, will overpush, and will need to go to the hospital for sutures ( I mean, how much of a let down would that be, to make it all the way through, and then have to go to the ER for stitches? ugh)

Apparently my parents think I'm giving birth in the hospital. At least, the word "hospital" came up three or four times while we were together Sunday. Now, I'm certain I told them I'm not (months ago), so I'm not sure how to handle this. For now, I'm sticking with assuming they're just misspeaking, and they already know we're planning a homebirth. My reasoning goes like this: either everything goes fine, and we just let them find out after the fact (when there is no longer any reason to worry), or we transport and end up in the hospital anyway, just like they thought we would be. A bit flimsy, maybe, but I'm not up to dealing with my mother right now. She's already been telling anyone who will listen that I need to pick up my kids less and basically make sure they have to wait for their needs to be fulfilled (more or less arbitrarily, I think), so that they will know that I'm "not at their beck and call". Am I overreacting, or is this her roundabout way of saying she thinks they're spoiled? (For the record, I'm not asking you to judge if they are or aren't- I'm not strong enough for that right now, haha- I just want your opinion of my mother's comment.)

If you've emailed me in the past week, and I haven't gotten back to you yet, I apologize. I'm working my way down the list- gmail unforunately lists my mails from newest to oldest, and so if I don't make it through every stinking one, the same few get left at the bottom again...and again...and again.