I can almost remember a time in my life when I thought depression was a feeling. That it was being sad all the time. Not wanting to smile, crying a lot, acting, well, depressed. I know better now. There are certainly times when depression manifests that way for me, but usually that is not the case. It would be easier by far if it were. Then I'd have a few days of sobbing a lot, and I'd clue in pretty quickly to what was going on. I should clue in to what is going on- I've been dealing with this for over a decade. But it takes weeks, usually, before I realize it.
For me, depression is more like inertia. First I just get tired, and maybe irritable. I start snapping at stupid things, yelling at the kids and Jeff, feeling absolutely unable to drag my ass out of bed in the morning. I start staying up later, because I really need some time alone, which obviously doesn't help the tiredness. And slowly, so slowly I can't even tell till it's really taken hold, all the joy and life just drains right out of me and I end up sleepwalking through my life. When I'm really depressed, I actually cry less, because strong emotion is something I can't access easily. I become a completely cerebral and selfish creature, living only in my mind, which chases its tail endlessly, and existing only to serve my needs, which are mainly to sleep and find excuses to not show up for my life. Now I know that on some level, this is just basic necessity- I'm too sick to live, so I just function until I get a bit better. But I also know that I don't have the luxury of withdrawing completely. I have a family, kids, friends, and a husband who need me. And I know that my withdrawal does not serve the cause of health. I can only get better by letting people help me. Yuck. Have I talked about how I hate needing help?
So thank you, all of you, who have been here, bearing witness, standing with me and standing for me. Thank you Anj, for helping me see that this is a chance to give a gift to my children, who can learn that it's ok to have problems and not hide them. I fear their pain at seeing me in need, especially my oldest, but I am starting to feel that God wants me to allow them to minister to me. Thank you Sarah for coming over so many times these past few weeks, even though it's a long drive and I can't just hang out when you're here. Thank you Rachel. Thank you KP. And thank you all the women (well, mostly women) whose words I read today and came away feeling a bit encouraged and a lot less alone.
Friday, July 30, 2004
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Not now...
So I was reading this book tonight, and there was an exercise in it- the instructions were to tune in to your heart, get a feel for what was going on there, and what things felt like, how they looked, smelled, whatever.
Mine feels insulated. The first thing I thought of was that it was wrapped in some kind of styrofoam-y packing stuff (not the peanuts, but the kind that's sort of like a sticky sheet- ya know?). So I decided I'd better "unwrap" it and find out if there was a reason for the padding, and what was going on underneath it. It's not in good shape. Purple was the first impression I got. Bruised. And bleeding, although from a lot of little wounds rather than one big one. Which just confirms the realization I've been struggling with for a few days now. I'm depressed again. I should have clued in when I started staying up till 3 or 4 in the morning, having trouble sleeping, not wanting to eat, not doing housework...somehow it didn't click. It's been a month since this started. What I fail to understand is how someone so internally preoccupied could miss something like this.
I've kind of been on the run from it, I guess. Refusing to confront it, because being depressed is a damn scary thing when you have three little lives who are dependent on you for most of their basic needs. They need a mommy who feels like cooking and cleaning; changing their diapers and reading them stories. Not a mommy who wants to curl up in bed and cry for a while, then sleep for days. I don't want to be depressed right now. I don't have time. But I guess I don't have a choice, either. And since I don't have the option right now of treating it with therapy or medication, I'll have to do my best to treat it by doing things. Going through old boxes, organizing pictures, mopping my kitchen floor. Which sounds about as appealing as dental surgery without anesthesia, honestly.
In a way, the fact that I have kids right now is a good thing, because I can't become completely preoccupied with my internal life now, when I'm unhealthy. But in a way, it's not good, because they deserve better than I can give them right now. They deserve a Mommy who is at the top of her game.
Mine feels insulated. The first thing I thought of was that it was wrapped in some kind of styrofoam-y packing stuff (not the peanuts, but the kind that's sort of like a sticky sheet- ya know?). So I decided I'd better "unwrap" it and find out if there was a reason for the padding, and what was going on underneath it. It's not in good shape. Purple was the first impression I got. Bruised. And bleeding, although from a lot of little wounds rather than one big one. Which just confirms the realization I've been struggling with for a few days now. I'm depressed again. I should have clued in when I started staying up till 3 or 4 in the morning, having trouble sleeping, not wanting to eat, not doing housework...somehow it didn't click. It's been a month since this started. What I fail to understand is how someone so internally preoccupied could miss something like this.
I've kind of been on the run from it, I guess. Refusing to confront it, because being depressed is a damn scary thing when you have three little lives who are dependent on you for most of their basic needs. They need a mommy who feels like cooking and cleaning; changing their diapers and reading them stories. Not a mommy who wants to curl up in bed and cry for a while, then sleep for days. I don't want to be depressed right now. I don't have time. But I guess I don't have a choice, either. And since I don't have the option right now of treating it with therapy or medication, I'll have to do my best to treat it by doing things. Going through old boxes, organizing pictures, mopping my kitchen floor. Which sounds about as appealing as dental surgery without anesthesia, honestly.
In a way, the fact that I have kids right now is a good thing, because I can't become completely preoccupied with my internal life now, when I'm unhealthy. But in a way, it's not good, because they deserve better than I can give them right now. They deserve a Mommy who is at the top of her game.
Monday, July 26, 2004
Procrastinating
Ok well, yesterday I promised to get back on here and write about the intentional community meeting Friday night, and tonight I still don't really want to do it. But I will, because otherwise I'm going to forget everything of value about it.
It started with a train wreck, which people who know us well, know is completely typical of anything we decide to undertake. I made a dessert, and forgot it. We also forgot hot dogs to grill, and buns. Oh, and snacks for the kids. So we had to stop on the way to buy cookies and hot dogs and buns. I don't recommend stopping for groceries at 6 pm on a Friday. The store is, um, kind of busy at that hour.
So we got there. Late. But only by about 10 minutes, which is amazing, since I was sure Jeff had been in the store shopping at least an hour. We got there, kids got in the pool (and out, and in, and out...), had dinner (fabulous salmon and bread and rice and potatoes and salad). Had dessert. Then Carla put in a movie for the kids so we could talk for a while.
She (Carla) said some really nice things about my writing here, which I think I was kind of brusque about- I don't handle praise well. We talked about parenting, and the book she wrote about it (The Myth Of The Perfect Parent? forgive me if that's off, and email me so I can fix it!!). Conversation was kind of all over the place, it had been during dinner as well. But at one point they started talking about enneagram types and so I got to read a little about those and decide what I was. My memory for details is crap, I am really straining for more of the stuff we talked about, but all I can think of is my impressions (emotional and intellectual) of the night as a whole. I knew I should have written this earlier!
It was really amazing, but it's almost impossible to explain with words. Most everything we did and said was fairly mundane and non-earthshattering, but there was this intangible other in all of it. I was surprised and delighted by the amount of good-natured teasing, and the complete absence of pretense. Looking back, I shouldn't have been surprised at all. There should always be joy in community, or we are doing it wrong! I hope we get to go a few more times. I think I am almost going to regret starting a group of our own, because we won't have any of them in it. It's really tempting to say "forget it" to making our own group and sneakily become permanent (rather than visiting) members of this one. I'm so lazy!
I'm still feeling out this bad few days I'm having. More on that later.
It started with a train wreck, which people who know us well, know is completely typical of anything we decide to undertake. I made a dessert, and forgot it. We also forgot hot dogs to grill, and buns. Oh, and snacks for the kids. So we had to stop on the way to buy cookies and hot dogs and buns. I don't recommend stopping for groceries at 6 pm on a Friday. The store is, um, kind of busy at that hour.
So we got there. Late. But only by about 10 minutes, which is amazing, since I was sure Jeff had been in the store shopping at least an hour. We got there, kids got in the pool (and out, and in, and out...), had dinner (fabulous salmon and bread and rice and potatoes and salad). Had dessert. Then Carla put in a movie for the kids so we could talk for a while.
She (Carla) said some really nice things about my writing here, which I think I was kind of brusque about- I don't handle praise well. We talked about parenting, and the book she wrote about it (The Myth Of The Perfect Parent? forgive me if that's off, and email me so I can fix it!!). Conversation was kind of all over the place, it had been during dinner as well. But at one point they started talking about enneagram types and so I got to read a little about those and decide what I was. My memory for details is crap, I am really straining for more of the stuff we talked about, but all I can think of is my impressions (emotional and intellectual) of the night as a whole. I knew I should have written this earlier!
It was really amazing, but it's almost impossible to explain with words. Most everything we did and said was fairly mundane and non-earthshattering, but there was this intangible other in all of it. I was surprised and delighted by the amount of good-natured teasing, and the complete absence of pretense. Looking back, I shouldn't have been surprised at all. There should always be joy in community, or we are doing it wrong! I hope we get to go a few more times. I think I am almost going to regret starting a group of our own, because we won't have any of them in it. It's really tempting to say "forget it" to making our own group and sneakily become permanent (rather than visiting) members of this one. I'm so lazy!
I'm still feeling out this bad few days I'm having. More on that later.
Saturday, July 24, 2004
What possible reason?
Well, I've now gone from being on the verge of tears all the way home last night (and since then) to crying in front of my computer for no reason I can pin down. I mean, I cry easily, but rarely without a reason. Even at my most depressed, I at least have a manufactured reason. This is a little scary. Thank goodness Allie is playing with her friends in the yard, so I don't have to try to explain. Whenever she sees me cry, she tries so hard to cheer me up, that I just cry harder. And I'm afraid she may take my tears personally, like she's done something wrong. I don't want her to internalize that message the way I adopted the idea that I was to blame for my parents' anger and bickering and abuse.
Oh God, what is this about?
Oh God, what is this about?
enneagram test
Well, here's one from the same site as before. We were talking about enneagram types tonight, I pegged myself as a type 4, and indeed, that's what I scored as here:
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
and here:
I had a really, really good time tonight, but for some reason it was also a really emotional experience for me, that's something that needs more processing. I'll post about it tomorrow. I should have been in bed hours ago.
Conscious self
| Overall self |
 |  |
and here:
I had a really, really good time tonight, but for some reason it was also a really emotional experience for me, that's something that needs more processing. I'll post about it tomorrow. I should have been in bed hours ago.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)