Going Nova

Many of you probably know that Jeff checked in to the hospital last Sunday (if you didn't, now you do, heh). I've been wanting to post about it for a few days now, but I wanted to make sure I had permission from Jeff first. He's fine with it, so here I am (his comment? "Honey, I'm not sure if anyone reads your blog anymore- you don't post very often"...thanks, sweetheart).

So he's at HCMC being treated for acute depression. Anyone wanting info on calling or visiting, EMAIL me (link on left side). If you just leave a comment, I may never see it. I'm not good at checking for comments at the best of times, and I'm busier than usual right now, as you can imagine.

For now, it looks like he'll be coming home sometime in the first half of February. Which, from where I stand, seems a lifetime away. Last week went well here at home. Since Sunday, not so much (those of you who were wondering when I would turn the focus of this post from Jeff to myself, here goes). Some people have emailed me to check how I was doing, and if you're one of them, I want you to know that when I say I'm ok, I'm not lying. But for me, "ok" encompasses a pretty broad range. Anywhere from "coping well, feeling pretty good" to "not coping well, but managing to keep it together". Sorry if that is cause for confusion.

Sunday all of my optimism and positive feelings deserted me. Most of the day was spent ping-ponging between despair and anguish, punctuated by crying jags. I had visited him twice with the kids along, but didn't get to see him alone until Sunday night, and I think that was part of the problem- I am physically very isolated since we live on the edge of the metro, and am going through what is basically grief, which is emotionally isolating. I am incredibly grateful to Kayla, who came when I very much needed another adult to interact with, who listened to me bitch, uncomplainingly, and who drove me to the hospital so I could have a few precious moments (not the figurines, eeew) with Jeff all to myself. It has been almost 6 years since we have been apart this long, when we were separated in '99...but then at least we got to spend almost unlimited time on the phone (he has no private phone, just the two ward phones that he has to share with everyone else). Kayla also had my back when we returned from HCMC- my parents had been kind of mental about letting me go, and she came in to make sure they behaved themselves on their way out). Thank you, thank you, darlin'!

Today was a bit better, as Jeff got the doctor to agree to the course of treatment he wanted, but it was also another day alone with sole responsibility for four beautiful, sweet, and completely crazy-making kids, which made me want to explode (thus, the post title). I did explode a few times (Gabe and Eva throwing eggs from the living room onto the kitchen floor provoked one outburst). I'm thinking it is an entirely blessed thing that I got stable on my meds before this, as for the past two days I've felt as awful as I usually feel this time of year when unmedicated. It's scary to think of how I'd be feeling without that buffer.

Because we now know that his stay is going to be 3-4 times longer than the 7-10 days we were originally quoted, I'm starting to take people up on their offers of help. We can use just about anything- meals, babysitters, cleaning help (watching the kids while I clean), visitors (both here and at the hospital)...anything. The difficult thing is that I do not drive, so things are more complicated as far as me getting to the hospital or out of the house for a break. Many, many thanks to everyone who has offered.

Our number is in the SP directory if anyone wants to check in with me, and please don't be alarmed if I don't answer the phone or call you back immediately. I'm pretty sure I'm coming down with a cold, and sometimes I'm just not up to talking. But I will return calls when feel up to it, probably within a few hours of the message being left.

I know many people are praying for us- thank you so much. I may feel awful right now, but I feel confident that with the support system we have through family, friends, and SP, that things will turn out ok. And that's "coping well, feeling pretty good" ok.