Somehow I am managing to keep up. A's on both tests, and hopefully a B+ on my paper on Jungian Archetypes (never read anything about Jung before, but I used this book for research and ended up reading the whole thing 'cause I found it fascinating). Obviously I haven't gotten the paper back yet, but I asked for an A-/B+ (since my simultaneously loveable and evil prof made us tell him what we thought we deserved). Part of me now regrets that I did not ask for an A. Because I think it might deserve it- it's just such a struggle to be accurate and fair and objective about my own work. Especially written.
A belated apology to anyone who read my last post and thought I was angry or upset at being asked about having twins again, or having an ultrasound. I wasn't and am not even a little annoyed, so I'm sorry if it sounded as if I was. I just wanted an excuse to rant about those ultrasound boutiques, which I could go on for pages about. And the overuse of ultrasound in general, especially in normal pregnancy. If y'all haven't figured it out yet, I'm a complete birth junkie. Normal, non-medical birth is one of my great passions. At one point, I was going to train as a midwife- I still might, when my kids are grown and being on call all the time isn't a big deal. So please be patient with me if you're more medically-minded- and please be honest with me if you feel something I say is offensive or hurtful. I can be very opinionated, and while I try to let my acceptance of other paths come through in what I write, for some reason, it doesn't show as much when birth is the topic. I don't want to spend every other sentence apologizing for my views or explaining, either, so I'm taking it on trust that you who read this will love me enough to show me honesty and allow me the chance to ask forgiveness if I hurt you.
OK well, I'm really tired and have probably left the kids as long as I can without disaster ensuing. More later, hopefully. I'm really missing my blog time lately.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
In the thick of it
This has been such a run-ragged week, I don't even know where to start. It's not likely to get better soon, either- I have exams on Thursday (Spanish) and Friday (Finance), and a paper on Jungian archetypes (which I have not started) due Monday. Did I mention that the paper is 10% of my grade? I could just weep.
I'm finally starting to "feel" pregnant, and the tiredness and nausea are subsiding a bit. Yesterday I got an unexpected package in the mail from my yahoogroup buddies Kristin, Kellee, and Bobbi, who sent a bunch of wonderful little things- organic ginger tea (which reminds me, I started steeping a cup approximately 3 hrs ago and never drank it), organic red raspberry leaf tea (yummy), preggie pops- which are little suckers that are supposed to help with nausea, ginger bath salts, talcum powder with ground rose petals in it, a pregnancy calendar, and a gorgeous royal-purple silk eye pillow filled with peppermint and lavender. I've never thought of myself as the eye-pillow type, but laying down with it on my face feels sooooo good, and almost decadent.
A lot of people want to know if I'm having twins again, and if I'll get an ultrasound this time (since I didn't last time). No to both! Unless my midwife specifically wants me to get an ultrasound. I'm not nearly sick enough for this to be another pair of babes, and I'm not big enough either (I was in maternity clothes- for comfort's sake- by now last time). My midwife will be able to confirm that it's a single in another two months or so, just by feel. As far as Allie is concerned, it is one baby, a girl, who will be named Eva "just like the other one". I wonder what she's going to do if Blinky turns out to be male? Ask God for an exchange?
Speaking of ultrasounds...can I just say that I find this new trend of on-demand ultrasound franchises makes me a little ill? ACOG still doesn't recommend routine ultrasound screening of low-risk women (even though the vast majority doctors order them, and most low-risk women get them anyway). It's never been tested for safety in regards to developing babies (I know, no one's complained that it hurt their baby, but how can you find out if something's wrong when you refuse to look?). Get this:
Nice. Funny, I don't remember any sort of informed consent happening when I got my early ultrasound with Allie...
Allie started preschool Monday. I'm not sure I like the program, or the teacher's assistant...ok, to be honest, I'm sure I don't like the TA, but it's a completely irrational feeling based on gut only. The program seems too structured for three-year-olds to me. But I'm giving it a chance, because first of all, they're early childhood educators and I'm not, and second, I just naturally resist structure and I have to remind myself that just because I don't like it doesn't mean it's evil. As much as I'd like to translate my preferences into moral law, I'll resist. It's harder than it sounds.
Ahhh I think I'm ready for that eye pillow. And bed.
I'm finally starting to "feel" pregnant, and the tiredness and nausea are subsiding a bit. Yesterday I got an unexpected package in the mail from my yahoogroup buddies Kristin, Kellee, and Bobbi, who sent a bunch of wonderful little things- organic ginger tea (which reminds me, I started steeping a cup approximately 3 hrs ago and never drank it), organic red raspberry leaf tea (yummy), preggie pops- which are little suckers that are supposed to help with nausea, ginger bath salts, talcum powder with ground rose petals in it, a pregnancy calendar, and a gorgeous royal-purple silk eye pillow filled with peppermint and lavender. I've never thought of myself as the eye-pillow type, but laying down with it on my face feels sooooo good, and almost decadent.
A lot of people want to know if I'm having twins again, and if I'll get an ultrasound this time (since I didn't last time). No to both! Unless my midwife specifically wants me to get an ultrasound. I'm not nearly sick enough for this to be another pair of babes, and I'm not big enough either (I was in maternity clothes- for comfort's sake- by now last time). My midwife will be able to confirm that it's a single in another two months or so, just by feel. As far as Allie is concerned, it is one baby, a girl, who will be named Eva "just like the other one". I wonder what she's going to do if Blinky turns out to be male? Ask God for an exchange?
Speaking of ultrasounds...can I just say that I find this new trend of on-demand ultrasound franchises makes me a little ill? ACOG still doesn't recommend routine ultrasound screening of low-risk women (even though the vast majority doctors order them, and most low-risk women get them anyway). It's never been tested for safety in regards to developing babies (I know, no one's complained that it hurt their baby, but how can you find out if something's wrong when you refuse to look?). Get this:
...the American Institute of Ultrasound in Medicine warns that although there
are no confirmed biological effects from prenatal ultrasounds, possible problems
could be identified in the future, especially because these unregulated scans
are longer, use more energy and can be more frequent.
..."Ultrasound is a
form of energy, and even at low levels, laboratory studies have shown it can
produce physical effects in tissue, such as jarring vibrations and a rise in
temperature," the FDA said. Because of this, "prenatal ultrasounds can't be
considered completely innocuous."
Nice. Funny, I don't remember any sort of informed consent happening when I got my early ultrasound with Allie...
Allie started preschool Monday. I'm not sure I like the program, or the teacher's assistant...ok, to be honest, I'm sure I don't like the TA, but it's a completely irrational feeling based on gut only. The program seems too structured for three-year-olds to me. But I'm giving it a chance, because first of all, they're early childhood educators and I'm not, and second, I just naturally resist structure and I have to remind myself that just because I don't like it doesn't mean it's evil. As much as I'd like to translate my preferences into moral law, I'll resist. It's harder than it sounds.
Ahhh I think I'm ready for that eye pillow. And bed.
Monday, September 06, 2004
blehhhhhhh
I thought I was over morning sickness already, but it is back with a vengeance. Nothing sounds worth eating, but if I don't eat I get sicker. Yippee. At least I'm not barfing. Although I'm still considering pitching a deal to God where I get to only have morning sickness *half my waking hours in exchange for puking once or twice a day. Sounds fair to me.
Everything makes me cry, which made me apparently look really depressed at church yesterday. Shelly (sp? help!) was really sweet and checked on me. Unfortunately I'm not really good at being honest with people. I want to repay their kindness in asking about me by being right as rain. Screwed up, yes. Then as I cried all the way home, Allie told me and her daddy that I'm not allowed to be sad, which made me sadder. I know she only meant that she wants me to be happy, but it felt like a bad echo of childhood. And like maybe I haven't given her the permission and space she needs to feel things besides happy. I really don't want to pass on emotion-stuffing. So Jeff was very patient with her but explained that it is ok for people to feel however they happen to feel. We ended up going out later Sunday night to get me a hot-water bottle, because I had a splitting headache from end of church on, and it was getting worse. Church gives me a headache! Haha. I don't know why, but 9 out of 10 times leaving church I have one. It might be dehydration, which I am trying to fight faithfully (by drinking half-liters of water at least 5 times a day). It might be stress. It might just be that it's been almost 4 weeks since I was last adjusted- going in Friday. We'll probably be getting haircuts as well. I don't really want to cut Gabe's hair- I kind of want to grow his out. Am I a total freak? He's just such a sweet, affectionate, sensitive boy, a crewcut just doesn't seem right (even though, I'll admit, it does look cute). We'll see.
So Allie wants a baby girl. Jeff wants a baby boy. I don't think I really have a preference, but my gut says this one's another girl (did I already say that?).
I should mention, that I definitely won the husband lottery. Not only did he go out in flash flood conditions to get my hot-water bottle, he decided I needed tiramisu when we were grocery shopping tonight. And he admitted to me when I asked for a bite of his chocolate chip cookie the other night that technically everything he has (even a cookie) is half-mine for the asking. I didn't know that. But you can bet I won't forget it!
Everything makes me cry, which made me apparently look really depressed at church yesterday. Shelly (sp? help!) was really sweet and checked on me. Unfortunately I'm not really good at being honest with people. I want to repay their kindness in asking about me by being right as rain. Screwed up, yes. Then as I cried all the way home, Allie told me and her daddy that I'm not allowed to be sad, which made me sadder. I know she only meant that she wants me to be happy, but it felt like a bad echo of childhood. And like maybe I haven't given her the permission and space she needs to feel things besides happy. I really don't want to pass on emotion-stuffing. So Jeff was very patient with her but explained that it is ok for people to feel however they happen to feel. We ended up going out later Sunday night to get me a hot-water bottle, because I had a splitting headache from end of church on, and it was getting worse. Church gives me a headache! Haha. I don't know why, but 9 out of 10 times leaving church I have one. It might be dehydration, which I am trying to fight faithfully (by drinking half-liters of water at least 5 times a day). It might be stress. It might just be that it's been almost 4 weeks since I was last adjusted- going in Friday. We'll probably be getting haircuts as well. I don't really want to cut Gabe's hair- I kind of want to grow his out. Am I a total freak? He's just such a sweet, affectionate, sensitive boy, a crewcut just doesn't seem right (even though, I'll admit, it does look cute). We'll see.
So Allie wants a baby girl. Jeff wants a baby boy. I don't think I really have a preference, but my gut says this one's another girl (did I already say that?).
I should mention, that I definitely won the husband lottery. Not only did he go out in flash flood conditions to get my hot-water bottle, he decided I needed tiramisu when we were grocery shopping tonight. And he admitted to me when I asked for a bite of his chocolate chip cookie the other night that technically everything he has (even a cookie) is half-mine for the asking. I didn't know that. But you can bet I won't forget it!
They Come Like That?
Or, what happens when you leave the room to make lunch. They find Allie's self-inking butterfly stamp and suck on it, then they climb into a potty box and cover each other with white circle sticker labels.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
the good, the bad, y el feo
So this has been pretty much the week from hell. Gabe decided over the weekend that he was going to start getting his 3rd and 4th eyeteeth, so he's been waking me up around 3 or 4 AM and keeping me up for an hour or two by screaming inconsolably. I was staying up too late helping Jeff with algebra- midnight or later, when I have to get up by 7 at the latest. I haven't been drinking enough water, so I've had a dehydration headache almost every day. Oh, remember me just mentioning Gabe screaming in the morning? Wednesday morning I was awake laying next to him, trying to talk to him, sing to him, get him to nurse, whatever would calm him down, when Jeff got woken up- not by Gabe, but by a sherrif who had been called to investigate my son's tortured crying. It was a still, foggy morning, and I imagine it carried pretty well- especially when you consider the window was open, and we sleep less than a foot from it. And the fact that houses here are about 10-15 ft apart. The sherrif (and the city cop who joined him) were really nice, and Gabe even smiled for them after a diaper change and some kids' Motrin. But it still made me have a really shitty day. I am always looking for reasons to shame myself as a mother, and this one was first-rate. After I got to English (late), I swear I caught my prof looking at me funny. We wrote an essay in class Monday, and I've been obsessing about it. I started crying while I was writing it (crappy hormones), and a tear dropped on the page and blurred one of the lines. I hope he didn't notice that, or the fact that I was crying to begin with. He probably thinks I'm a fruitcake.
There have been a lot of good things, though. My Spanish class is a lot of fun, and I feel like I'm picking it up rather well. I can actually carry on a conversation in Spanish now, provided I'm only expected to talk about what someone has or is wearning, or how they look. And only in present tense. Well, I guess I can introduce people and produce a little chit-chat, too. I love my English class, too. That's why it bothers me that my prof may think I'm insane. I really love him already, and I want him to think I'm ferociously intellegent and a fantastic writer. Now, if he thinks I'm also crazy, well and good. But believing I'm crazy and an average or just-ok writer, that would suck. I could care less about my Financial Planning prof's opinion- but then, I tend to form really strong attachments to my English profs. I have a long history of it. In Financial Planning, I have to fight just to stay awake.
It has also been good to get out of the house every day. Not that it has given me any more patience for my kids, kind of the opposite. But that is probably more due to exhaustion than anything else. I really like college, a lot. Unfortunately, Allie has been less than pleased at me being dropped off every morning. Then, she's unhappy when Jeff leaves for school and work. This actually started before school did- but then it was just Jeff leaving for work that got her upset. It seems to be some sort of separation anxiety- I didn't know kids could still have that at almost-4. But she's been the exception for all the other rules, I guess- why not this, too? I'm trying not to beat myself up about it being a sign of insecure attachment or something like that. I don't think it is. I think it's just Allie.
I think our baby (yes, I'm 99% sure it's a singleton) is a girl. I've been calling her "Blinky" for no reason, except that tiny embryos look sort of lightbulb-shaped. Poor Gabe. He's gonna be one great husband, growing up with all these women.
There have been a lot of good things, though. My Spanish class is a lot of fun, and I feel like I'm picking it up rather well. I can actually carry on a conversation in Spanish now, provided I'm only expected to talk about what someone has or is wearning, or how they look. And only in present tense. Well, I guess I can introduce people and produce a little chit-chat, too. I love my English class, too. That's why it bothers me that my prof may think I'm insane. I really love him already, and I want him to think I'm ferociously intellegent and a fantastic writer. Now, if he thinks I'm also crazy, well and good. But believing I'm crazy and an average or just-ok writer, that would suck. I could care less about my Financial Planning prof's opinion- but then, I tend to form really strong attachments to my English profs. I have a long history of it. In Financial Planning, I have to fight just to stay awake.
It has also been good to get out of the house every day. Not that it has given me any more patience for my kids, kind of the opposite. But that is probably more due to exhaustion than anything else. I really like college, a lot. Unfortunately, Allie has been less than pleased at me being dropped off every morning. Then, she's unhappy when Jeff leaves for school and work. This actually started before school did- but then it was just Jeff leaving for work that got her upset. It seems to be some sort of separation anxiety- I didn't know kids could still have that at almost-4. But she's been the exception for all the other rules, I guess- why not this, too? I'm trying not to beat myself up about it being a sign of insecure attachment or something like that. I don't think it is. I think it's just Allie.
I think our baby (yes, I'm 99% sure it's a singleton) is a girl. I've been calling her "Blinky" for no reason, except that tiny embryos look sort of lightbulb-shaped. Poor Gabe. He's gonna be one great husband, growing up with all these women.
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