Friday, March 09, 2007


Ever since I blogged last, my brain has been periodically screaming at me to take down my last post. It's too honest. Too messy. Too open to debate, or rejection. The screaming got louder today when I sort of accidentally found two web pages with lists of Porch bloggers, and that I'm listed on both. I don't want people to assume that I'm somehow representative of anything but my own life and experiences, that I'm more than one broken person struggling to make sense of life and God. But so far I have resisted the urge, and my intent is to continue to resist it.

I don't represent anyone but myself, obviously, and I would argue against anyone who said that my circumstances and choices were applicable elsewhere, either in general or in some other specific situation. But I am honestly struggling to come to terms with God as I've experienced Him, not as I'd like God to be. And I'm fighting to accept my life and my choices as they are, not as I wish they were. I need to break my addiction to seeming to have it all together. I need to be honest with others so that I can be honest with myself. Because left to my own devices, I'm perfectly content to have others believe things are fine and I'm doing great, even when things are falling apart. Left to my own devices, I prefer comfort to honesty and security to authenticity.

But when I hang up the whole cloth here, everyone can see the rips and holes, the seams and the jagged edges. It's excruciatingly uncomfortable. And in the end, I think that's a good thing, especially for an approval junkie and perfectionist. I need to realize that it is not a sin to be imperfect, and my pretending I have it all together only puts pressure on others to do that as well.

If this is the only place I can really grow toward being more open and honest about my life, then I'd be a fool to use it to preserve my illusions. I'd also rather not continue to be a cog in the machine that manufactures all the pretense we hand each other on a daily basis.

But oh, it hurts to expose myself this way.

1 comment:

kati said...

FWIW, I really appreciated your last post, and this one, too. It really helped me to understand you better. And since I'm not as brave as you are, that's about as detailed as I'm going to get right now about all of that. :)

I also want to let you know that right after reading your previous post, I was reading about Abraham being asked to sacrifice Isaac, and it reminded me of what you'd said... it reiterated that God doesn't always work the way we expect Him to, or even the way He said He would, but that He does come through. If I hadn't read your post first, I would have just read through the story without getting anything new out of it. So, thanks! :)

Oh, and while I'm rambling... I also appreciate your desire to put it all out there. I am always stuck in the rut of giving the polite answer, but mostly because I think that's what people want to hear. But that's not what I want to hear... I want to hear more than that. So, again, thanks!

And I'm deliriously tired right now, so I hope that all made sense...