listening to: Billy Bragg and Wilco, Mermaid Avenue
Sometimes I think that it is more trouble than it is worth to try to chase my dreams. Twice this past month I have emailed people to ask their help getting started (once about a project, once about finding a mentor), and neither has answered me. It's hard not to feel completely rejected, since these are people who I like, respect, and look up to. Part of me wants to go back to my old model of christianity- go to church on Sundays and be serviced. Because the other part, the one that wants to make a difference, to be transformed and help others with their own transformation, is tired and wants to give up. I want to pack up and hang a sign that says "closed for the remainder". It just seems like being at this point in my vocational journey is too much on top of being a mom. I need more support and affirmation than I have time to seek out. I need other people to speak into my life what they see God calling me to. I wish God would give one of my friends a prophetic dream, or something. Because knowing how hard running a two-student, three-kid household is going to be, I need a stronger sense of "yes! this is it!" than I have.