Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Discouragement

listening to: Billy Bragg and Wilco, Mermaid Avenue

Sometimes I think that it is more trouble than it is worth to try to chase my dreams. Twice this past month I have emailed people to ask their help getting started (once about a project, once about finding a mentor), and neither has answered me. It's hard not to feel completely rejected, since these are people who I like, respect, and look up to. Part of me wants to go back to my old model of christianity- go to church on Sundays and be serviced. Because the other part, the one that wants to make a difference, to be transformed and help others with their own transformation, is tired and wants to give up. I want to pack up and hang a sign that says "closed for the remainder". It just seems like being at this point in my vocational journey is too much on top of being a mom. I need more support and affirmation than I have time to seek out. I need other people to speak into my life what they see God calling me to. I wish God would give one of my friends a prophetic dream, or something. Because knowing how hard running a two-student, three-kid household is going to be, I need a stronger sense of "yes! this is it!" than I have.

2 comments:

bobbie said...

i have longed for a mentor my whole life. i have tons of 'timothy's', i just want a 'paul' (of course in femail form). how did the generation before us decide that they got to leave us behind? i really resent it a lot. i know so few from the generation above us that are really doing honest to goodness mentoring.

Stacy said...

Stacey,

Know you are not alone in your feelings if that is comforting to you.There are so many things I want to do and so many things I want to support and contribute to.Which do I choose? My mind is reeling just thinking about it as well. I feel I can only focus on so many things and continue to do them well or follow through .I feel so torn between all of my many roles.Wife,mother,friend, daughter, sister. I am unwilling to sacrifice my husband or sons well being.Yet I want to offer more to them than what I am able to now.I think alot of women in our situation are dealing with these things.Keep focusing on finding that mentor I think in learning from whomever you choose you will find your path .I always feel God will place someone in my life at the right time, that I can learn from he has many times before.