Sunday, July 18, 2004


Over and over as I strive to find my place in this world, I am tempted to kill my heart.  I've done it in the past.  As uncomfortable as the numbness that follows is, it has some distinct advantages over choosing to live fully and love vulnerably.  When I silence the compassion within, I am less apt to cry when I read something like this.  That story broke last year, and it still haunts me.  I can be more gentle and patient with my friends, because inside I am not raging against the things that have hurt them.  I don't get all worked up about kids who are starving or babies who are beaten to death.  I just breathe, in and out, in and out...and keep my distance from everything else. 
Passion is something that I deeply mistrust.  In others, and in myself perhaps most of all.  Earlier this year, I decided to stop smothering my passion and parade it instead.  Transparency.  When I embrace the passion that God has given me for people who are broken and people who can't see their own glorious beauty, who don't trust their worth, when I allow myself to cry the tears that they oftentimes cannot, I feel both fulfilled and terrified.  The fulfillment, of course, comes from being allowed to work the way God has wired me.  The terror is rooted in the fact that at times, it can all but consume me.  I love so deeply that it scares me very badly.  Patience and moderation are words from someone else's language.  And trust is still a risk, even with those I've  known for years.  There are people I would not hesitate to leave my children with who have not heard a whisper of my heart. 
But one baby step at a time, I am trying to change that.  I started with two very close, very dear relationships a few months ago.  Now I have started speaking here as well.  May I have the strength and perserverance to see this journey through to the end.  Amen.

No comments: