Why is it...

That as soon as I start to feel like I have a handle on things, that I can be open and hopeful and even optimistic, I come down with melancholy? I know part of it is money- we never have enough of it. And the fact that school starts in just over 6 weeks is making me worry big time. Are we nuts to think that we can cut back to part-time income and make up the rest with our grants? We are getting the max from both the state and fed (three kids and one income will do that), but our budgeting track record isn't good, and I'm terrified that we're going to be halfway through the semester and run out of grant money. And part of me thinks we really must be nuts to do this when our kids are 3.5, 20 mos, and 20 mos. We're both planning on full course loads (which is necessary to qualify for the grants). The really scary thing is that, while I'm not sure we can do this, I know we have to. Jeff has felt called to ministry for a long time, so we're pretty sure he's getting a BA plus an MA (maybe in spiritual formation?). Me, I'm just along for the ride. I'm one of those geeks who loves school.

I think that is the worst part of this for me. I feel like doing so many different things. For the past three years, I was pretty certain I wanted to be a midwife. Then in really thinking about that job- the on-call hours, the irregular schedule, the unpredictability- I thought, "this really isn't what I want for my family". And since I am much more empathetic than analytical, I think I make a better doula anyway. So, now I'm rudderless and adrift. I like counseling, but I'm such a strong empathizer that I don't see myself making a good phychologist. I like teaching, but adults more than kids, and dialogical (if that is the word I'm looking for) rather than lecture-based. I love exploring theology and thinking and wondering about God. I like writing. So one day I stopped dead and thought, "would I make a good pastor?"

I'm having trouble even approaching that question. See, I have no idea what pastors in the emerging church do, except that sometimes they get their own action figures (teehee! kudos to whoever made that, I got it from KP's links). I know what emerging pastors don't do (make a lot of money! haha). And I know myself well enough to be certain that it's the emerging church or nothing. I'm increasingly uncomfortable anywhere else. Isn't there just some test or something I can take to tell me what to do? I'm good at tests. Not so good at this self-examination business.