Not now...

So I was reading this book tonight, and there was an exercise in it- the instructions were to tune in to your heart, get a feel for what was going on there, and what things felt like, how they looked, smelled, whatever.

Mine feels insulated.  The first thing I thought of was that it was wrapped in some kind of styrofoam-y packing stuff (not the peanuts, but the kind that's sort of like a sticky sheet- ya know?).  So I decided I'd better "unwrap" it and find out if there was a reason for the padding, and what was going on underneath it.  It's not in good shape.  Purple was the first impression I got.  Bruised.  And bleeding, although from a lot of little wounds rather than one big one.  Which just confirms the realization I've been struggling with for a few days now.  I'm depressed again.  I should have clued in when I started staying up till 3 or 4 in the morning, having trouble sleeping, not wanting to eat, not doing housework...somehow it didn't click.  It's been a month since this started.  What I fail to understand is how someone so internally preoccupied could miss something like this.

I've kind of been on the run from it, I guess.  Refusing to confront it, because being depressed is a damn scary thing when you have three little lives who are dependent on you for most of their basic needs.  They need a mommy who feels like cooking and cleaning; changing their diapers and reading them stories.  Not a mommy who wants to curl up in bed and cry for a while, then sleep for days.  I don't want to be depressed right now.  I don't have time.  But I guess I don't have a choice, either.  And since I don't have the option right now of treating it with therapy or medication, I'll have to do my best to treat it by doing things.  Going through old boxes, organizing pictures, mopping my kitchen floor.  Which sounds about as appealing as dental surgery without anesthesia, honestly. 

In a way, the fact that I have kids right now is a good thing, because I can't become completely preoccupied with my internal life now, when I'm unhealthy.  But in a way, it's not good, because they deserve better than I can give them right now.  They deserve a Mommy who is at the top of her game.